Here is a list of the things keeping me up at night, in no particular order:
1) The fear that I’m slowly regressing and becoming an asocial hermit that only communicates to a maximum of three people.
2) The fear that maybe that’s better than the alternative – being so vapid and involved with so many people at such a superficial level.
3) There is a strong likelihood that I’m not an academic failure with very few redeeming qualities
4) There’s nothing I’m really good at. I don’t excel at anything in particular. At best, I’m mediocre at a few things. There’s nothing I can point to and say “That is the thing I’m good at”.
5) That all my past fuck ups and errors are incredibly likely to happen all over again in some new, horrible, sisyphian recursive loop.
6) My various flaws and personality issues make me a repulsive person to be around, and that I subconsciously push people away because I feel that’s what I deserve.
7) Holy shit I might actually be a little insane for thinking like this.
8) I’m clearly getting more neurotic with age, but it’s not quiet as obvious from a distance – so although I’m getting crazier, it’s less noticeable.
9) Maybe I’m just a horrible person.
10) If this is being a horrible person, than the changes I’d have to make to be a socially acceptable, well adjusted person seem utterly horrifying.
11) I’m still really bitter about stuff from my past and I struggle with letting certain, minor things go. I can forgive and accept big things, but the minor little things seem to stick out more for some reason.
12) I sure as hell hope I can improve as a person, but I don’t really know how to right now.
13) My life is generally pretty directionless right now.
14) The idea of figuring out my own direction is a crushingly monumental task.
15) The idea of letting anyone else decide for me feels almost worse.
16) The world is a shitty place and I’m doing nowhere near enough to improve it.
17) Even what small improvements I might make, the cost of me even being alive on an economic and ecological level are totally outweighed by my various negative impacts.
18) I’m just as clueless as ever, but have a whole lot of new and terrifying ways to colossally fuck myself over.
19) I can’t sleep because I’m worrying, so I’m worrying about not sleeping, so I can’t sleep because I’m worrying, and that makes me worry.
20) Ho-ho-holllly shit I am still super neurotic backstage.
21) I still don’t feel comfortable expressing all this shit to anyone I know because
22) The idea of opening up fully seems like putting a noose around someone else’s neck.
23) As much as I’ve learnt that happiness isn’t a constant state, but a rare and fragile state you occasionally get to dip into, I still don’t feel like I’m as happy as I’d like to be
24) And still have no idea how to make myself happy without assistance
25) I might never leave this deathtrap shitheap of a city
26) I might have to leave this deathtrap shitheap of a city
27) I might have fucked myself over in a hundred different ways, and I’ll only find out if and how badly I’ve fucked myself at some distant point in the future
28) I feel like I either have or am about to massively let everyone that matters to me down hugely
29) Possibly by mistake
30) Perhaps I’ll make an intentional action that’ll disappoint them
31) I don’t know where to begin fixing any of this