I feel like there’s something I need to write, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to go about approaching it, it feels so indefinable. How do you play a chord on a guitar with no strings – that sort of thing.
I guess the crux of my point is that my eyes are wide open. I’m not blind to what’s happening, it’s just difficult sometimes to focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus on what I’m trying to say, even. I need to keep my priorities straight in my head. The task ahead is going to require every bit of my attention, I can’t afford to slip up now, I am walking a tightrope. I’m running along the edge of a blade. One misstep, and it’s over.
That’s hyperbole, of course. I know it isn’t all over. I should know – it’s never really over. Not really. No matter how bad things are, there are always ways to rebuild and to make things right again. Bad people don’t stay bad forever, and the people we idolize can betray us. Nothing is fixed. My success isn’t a fixed point in time, and neither is my failure. With the information and agency available to me, I can cause the outcome I want to happen. It’s all about the actuation now, not the ideation.
I can’t afford to get myself lost now. I’m hurtling forward faster than I thought possible – looking backwards is pointless. I can only do what I have to do: charge forwards into the unknown. I haven’t got a back-up plan. I have no safety measures. This is the end of the road. There’s no grey area here, not like the other times I’ve had to make a decision of such colossal consequence. It’s a binary: sink, or swim. Feast, or famine. Do, or die.
I guess I don’t really have much of a choice anymore. I sold that away in exchange for a single attempt. I have fifty-pence in my pocket, and one life. If I fail, it’s game over.
Just like so many things now, I know how this is going to go. But this time, my eyes are wide open.
Whatever happens, happens.